The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz episode 081 explores what we mean when we talk about being true to yourself, what keeps us from being true to ourselves, and how to accomplish true authentic selfhood.
Have you chosen to reject fear and embrace your true authentic self? How has it changed your life? Would you like help making this change? Let me know… in the comments!
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Transcript of The Possibility Podcast with Mel Schwartz #081
Hello everybody and welcome to The Possibility Podcast. I’m your host Mel Schwartz. I practice psychotherapy and marriage counseling and I am the author of the book, The Possibility Principle, the inspiration and the companion to this podcast. I’ll be introducing you to new ways of thinking, a new philosophy and a new game plan for life and all of the infinite possibilities that await you.
Today, we’re going to talk about our relationship with ourself and the question I’m posing is, are you true to yourself?
We’re going to have to take a deep dive into what that question really means. Firstly, let’s look at the word self. Are you true to yourself? Which self? Though we all have a sense of self but that sense of self is variable. We’re one self with close friends, another self in a romantic relationship in business or work we may present a somewhat different self.
I’m talking here about what I call authentic self. Authentic self is a self that isn’t fearful or anxiety ridden about what others think of you. I’m also speaking about a self that is aspiring and not operating from fear. So the authentic self true to your authentic self means a self that is aspiring. That is not self defeating that doesn’t surrender or unnecessarily compromise. You know there are times in life when compromise makes perfect sense because there are other ways in which we compromise in which we are marginalizing ourself.
So the question is how do you choose to see yourself in the privacy of your own thoughts. How do you see yourself? Are you good with yourself? Are you disappointed in yourself? At the source what is your true relationship with yourself? Are you happy to be you? Would you rather be someone else? Is there no one else you would rather be than yourself?
Now, I’m speaking here in very grand large statements and questions and of course, life is far more nuanced and contextual than the way I’m posing it. So, I’m not suggesting that we simply whitewash over all of the nuances but this development of self, who am I, how would I like to experience myself, am I aspiring and growing and evolving, are my thoughts and my feelings my own best ally or are they my critic?
Now often there’s a dissonance. There’s a self and experience I’d like to be that at times I may fall short of but what do I do with that gap that falling short? That can create a dissonance, a distance from here to there. I can work with that dissonance in an aspirational way to grow and evolve and have a sense of meaning and purpose in my life and the meaning and purpose in my life doesn’t always have to be about my relationship with myself. The meaning and purpose can be in how I reach greater fulfillment.
This quality of of growing and evolving and aspiring and believing in yourself and investing yourself. We can call that agency. Agency in the way using it refers to a self empowerment, an ongoing becoming. Instead of being stuck in the state of being, you’re engaged in this process of becoming. Becoming what? Becoming your authentic self and that authentic self is not static. It can grow and evolve and move to different levels and different nuances throughout your life. Do you think you can be that self? Do you aspire to be that self?
Well, one important place to come into in terms of these aspirations is to look at expectations that you think others have of you. That sets up this corralling of conformity. If you’re conforming to what you think others expect of you, if you’re conforming to avoiding disapproval or judgement or negative opinions of others, you cannot be aspiring to be your authentic and genuine self. Fear is that basis. Fear of what others may think of you.
So ask yourself this, do my fears of not succeeding, which we often call failure — Failure is a made-up construct. You may not succeed or may not succeed yet. But don’t call that a failure. You need to come out of the expectations of conformity and concerns about what others think of you.
I’d love to show you my appreciation for your subscribing to and rating this podcast by offering you a gift to one of the following The Power of Mind a live Talks that I gave or one of my digital e-books Creating Authentic Self Esteem, Overcoming Anxiety, or Raising Resilient Children, and lastly, Cultivating Resilient Relationships. Once you have subscribed, please send an email to Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com and just let me know which gift you’d prefer. Thanks.
Now, your thoughts as you try to aspire to these big changes in your life. Your thought can go to why can’t I in a positive way. Why can’t I with a question mark. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I make those changes? Or your thoughts can go to excusing why I can’t. Making excuses as to why I can’t is very different. It’s antithetical to the aspirational authentic life.
Again, fears get in the way. Ordinarily the fears are about mistakes. What is a mistake? You’ve heard me speak of this before. Sometimes kind of glibly, I may say there’s only one mistake. And that’s the fear of making a mistake.
You know in the participatory worldview that I have shared with you coming from quantum physics where reality in life is in a perpetual state of flow and a perpetual state of possibilities, a mistake is a snapshot we take in a moment in time and we call that an outcome and we freeze it and we say that is a mistake, I fear of making mistake. We have to change that construct. There are things we do and there are things we don’t do and often the mistake is about what we choose not to do out of a fear of making a mistake.
Do you see the irony there? The mistake is about an inaction and yet we fear making a mistake and so we become inert. Ultimately, ask yourself, how do I choose to see myself? Do I choose to try to access the infinite possibilities that await me? Or do I succumb to fears again of what I call other esteem? What other people will think of me? This corrals us into this conformity that is so narrow and life defeating and depressing and this causes us to lose our voice.
What do I mean by lose your voice? Not just expressing your thoughts and feelings but the expressing of your being, the expressing of this process of becoming that you owe to yourself so much. We freeze from this fear of making mistakes. This fear of what other people think about us and in the infinite amount of possibilities that await us, sometimes we stress out and this creates an anxiety because rather than welcome the infinite possibilities, we get anxious about making a mistake and so we stall out. We don’t do anything and every day looks like every other day.
This analysis paralysis of life and life engagement, we can call that a mistake ultimately that can lead to despair. It comes from this battle that we engage about authentic self, sense of self, or no self, just living life from a script. We all have primary beliefs about ourselves. Many of these beliefs are limiting in constraining and it came from our childhood. Please listen to my podcast on wave collapse which goes deeply into this phenomenon.
So out of these limiting beliefs, we have millions corresponding thoughts and feelings, they confirm those limiting beliefs and we get stuck in a monotonous monologue. Break it. Invite in the dissonance. Ask yourself, am I being true to myself? What are my fears? How am I going to choose to transcend those fears? If you had no fears, who would you choose to be? That’s the question to ask yourself. If I had no fear, who would I choose to be how would I choose to experience my life? How would I choose to see myself? Then suspend this belief. Let go of the fear and choose to be that self.
The choices we make inform your sense of self. I’m going to say that again. The choices you make inform your sense of self. You have to let go of your fear of mistake and join into the flow of life. How do I choose to see myself? Choose. That’s your action verb. How do I choose to see myself? Not how do I want to see myself? That’s passive. That’s not going to cut it. How do I choose to see myself? Damn the torpedoes to use an old expression. Move forward. Break out of conformity. Break free from fear. Choose how to see yourself and enter into that process of becoming.
You know what? You can do it. It’s pivotal. It all takes is a defining moment. A singular moment in time when you say, I’ve had it. I’m going invest fully in myself. Let go of fear, let go of conformity, and become your authentic self. It’s a magical carpet ride. You owe it to yourself. Go for it.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Possibility Podcast and I welcome your feedback on this or any episode. Please send me an email at Mel at Mel Schwartz dot com or leave a comment in the show notes for this episode at Mel Schwartz dot com. If you like what you’re hearing, please take a moment to rate and review the show at Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. Your reviews really help boost the visibility for the show and it’s a great way for you to show your support. Finally, please make sure to subscribe to The Possibility Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. In that way, you’ll never miss an episode and thanks again and please remember to always welcome uncertainty into your life as you embrace new possibilities.