What is the source of happiness? We tend to assume that happiness will come from a future event. It typically depends upon something else happening. The script often reads like this:
I’ll be happy when… I fall in love.
I’ll be happy when… I get married.
I’ll be happy when… we can buy our dream house.
I’ll be happy when… we can furnish the house.
Still, the anticipated happiness is elusive so we tie it to more future events.
I’ll be happy when… we have children.
I’ll be happy when… the children are older.
I’ll be happy when… I can retire.
What’s happened here? Has an entire lifetime passed pursuing an illusion? Those events that we so dearly waited for do provide a temporary excitement, but too soon they retreat into the ordinary and we replace them with the next fantasy of happiness.
Happiness can only occur in the moment that you’re in and can only be sustained by developing a nurturing relationship with yourself and, hopefully, others. The ultimate source of happiness lies in the quality of your thoughts. Our thoughts are our most intimate relationship and will impact our lives far more than our relationships with others. In fact, our relations with others are, to an extent, but a reflection of the quality of our own thoughts.
What we seek “out there” is but the icing on the cake. Genuine and sustainable happiness is derived from a healthy and nurturing relationship with yourself. Nothing and no one can take that away from you. Devote your attention to your authentic well being and happiness will emerge.
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Hi Mel,
I totally agree with you and like to comment that happiness lies upon our journey to the best of us. Is not the final destination that mutters but the enjoyment of the whole adventure during our trip to life!
And I would like to end by saying that we absolutely need a lighthouse to guide us through this journey and that would be high values in life!
Hi Kevin,
Perhaps the lighthouse might not so much be “out there” as a very private and serene place that resides within.
Great topic Mel !
Reminds me of the Donkey and the Carrot !
In the pursuit of happiness, “If -> then” relationship seldom works. I have a feeling that people soon settle for just the perceived happiness of the endles persuit itself.
Our first experiences usually don’t have the if->then link. These are situations we did not expect. Thay are new to the brain. They could be intense because we are present at every moment. This intense experience (good or bad) is mentally revisited.
We seek it again to find that the old charm of a place or person has diminshed.
All of that is from a subjective / meditaive view. I am not a psychologist by any means !
Das
Hi Das,
thanks for the if=then concept…Very illuminating.
Hi Mel, Most people believe that happiness is ’caused’ by something outside of themselves. It’s part of the “If Only”…complex. 🙂
Many people just can’t wrap their minds around the fact that happiness is an inside job! I ask them “How long do you plan to wait until happiness comes?” Sometimes the cog dissonance works, sometimes you get a vacant stare. For some it’s too much to pull that card out of the deck they’ve built their lives(belief systems) around.
Great post, Mel… In the immortal words of the poet Keats: “Though we travel the world to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not” (happiness falls into this beautifully). Your post is a message worth sharing and repeating… after all, shifting from the external sources, to our own internal one, takes practice, perseverance and patience…
Hi Loren,
Great quote..
Good topic, and well put too Mel!
I tell myself what I am already happy with in my life. For example…I have a wonderful lady who loves me completely and free of conditions, and we have two great kids. My car may not be the exact car I want, but I am happy it starts and stops when we need it too. My house may not be perfect for us yet, but it is a great starting point for my desired extensions yet to be done. Our swimming pool me be a small above ground pool, but that doesn’t mean we are not happy we have it lol. Will I be happy when I have my exact car and house extensions that I want? Yes of course, but I can’t allow myself to not be happy because I have future goals.
Don’t forget to stop “and sniff the roses” from time to time, or you just might forget what the beautiful “perfumes” life can provide. Don’t smell those moments in life, deliberately sniff them!
Anything I want in my life is a goal, or a future want. Write these down on a piece of paper and put them on the fridge or somewhere you will see them everyday. This will let you discover the difference between “happy when” as compared to happy now. Learn to smile for the small things in life, and always remember that smiles are free and infectious.
Thanks so much Buck for that great narrative!