In the rare circumstances when a pilot can’t lower the plane’s landing gear, they alert air traffic control, and airport officials may order foaming the designated runway. The foam is applied to mitigate friction and reduce sparking, decreasing the chances of the plane bursting into flames.
We can employ a similar technique when we anticipate a challenging conversation we expect might go sideways.
Of course, the consequences of what you choose not to share may ultimately be as impactful as what you’re fearing. Suppressed feelings and thoughts affect us. Yet, you may have so much experience with your words falling on deaf ears and you don’t want to repeat the agonizing experience of once again feeling invalidated.
When you initiate a challenging discussion, it’s more than likely the other party may not be truly listening. Their negative reaction may be triggered by specific words or topics, your tone, or body language, but it is most likely anchored in the memory of past impasses and unresolved conflicts. In situations like this the other person may instinctively be defending their territory and preparing their angry rebuttal while you’re still in mid-sentence.
The Preface
The way to mitigate this defensive reaction is to foam their runway. To achieve this, you can’t simply dive into your conversation. You must employ what I’m calling the preface.
When I choose to express what I believe will be difficult or challenging for the other person to hear, I find that devoting a few sentences as a preface to the intended communication can calm the anticipated turbulence. So, I set up the discourse to improve the chance that I’ll be heard and reduce their knee-jerk reaction.
We need to set the stage, so our words won’t fall on deaf ears.
Enrolling the Other Person
This may be as simple as saying, “I have a problem and I’m wondering if you can help?” or, “I’m confused about something. Can you try to help me understand?”
When we do this, the other person has been enrolled, so to speak, and we have invited them in rather than abruptly jumping into a provocative topic. This technique moves both individuals into the field of what I call a shared inquiry.
Alternatively, if we say, “I’m really struggling with something and I need your advice,” it sets up the possibility for constructive dialogue. The other person might likely say, “Sure what’s the problem?”
An appropriate follow up might be, “Well, I have something to share with you that I really need you to hear, but I’m anticipating that you will shut me down and tell me that I’m wrong, so I don’t know what to do.”
You have now enrolled them. There’s now a far better chance the other person might be less reactive and more present, not to mention sympathetic to your feelings. You are foaming their runway.
Our struggle to communicate is often more critical than the actual matter to be discussed, so first we pay homage to the challenge at hand and initiate a peaceful form of the communication, and then, having properly set the table, we can move into the actual discourse.
Getting Beneath the Anger
If we launch into anger, we can rest assured the other individual is no longer listening. Anger is a mask for fear, sadness, or pain. Anger comes to the forefront because it is a far more accessible emotion (although not as primary) than the vulnerable feelings hiding beneath the fury.
When we preface and share our hurt or concerns in a thoughtful manner, we increase the chance of the other individual listening to us. When we express vulnerability, we’re likely heard, whereas our angry proclamations are typically nullified. Acting strong is pointless and defensive, whereas embracing your vulnerability opens the communication.
What we have to say may be compelling and very important to get across, but if our words are lost due to the reactive defensiveness of the other person, attempts at communication become an exercise in sheer futility — we have assured our own invalidation. Argument then ensues, and the relationship suffers.
Prefacing opens the door to a shared inquiry — two people seeking to understand and appreciate the other’s feelings — and reroutes us from the anticipated roadblock. Shared inquiries tend not to be overly personalized, and thus reactivity is lessened.
Don’t begin your sentence with the word you. If you begin in the first person, the other person may still be listening. Be mindful, as you speak, to avoid the other’s defensive reaction by sharing how you feel, as opposed to making an objective indictment of what they did or didn’t do.
Remember, feelings aren’t right of wrong, so stay away from making statements of fact, which lead to argument.
New Monologues
To have a true dialogue or a more meaningful exchange requires two new monologues. Unless each party is modifying their interaction, the old, tired replay ensues.
You can initiate your part of a dialogue by taking a moment before you begin to speak to improve the chance that the other person is listening. Ask yourself how you can best articulate what you wish without turning the conversation adversarial. In so doing, you are likely shifting your own inner monologue and enabling a healthier dialogue.
