What is the source of happiness? We tend to assume that happiness will come from a future event. It typically depends upon something else happening. The script often reads like this:
I’ll be happy when… I fall in love.
I’ll be happy when… I get married.
I’ll be happy when… we can buy our dream house.
I’ll be happy when… we can furnish the house.
Still, the anticipated happiness is elusive so we tie it to more future events.
I’ll be happy when… we have children.
I’ll be happy when… the children are older.
I’ll be happy when… I can retire.
What’s happened here? Has an entire lifetime passed pursuing an illusion? Those events that we so dearly waited for do provide a temporary excitement, but too soon they retreat into the ordinary and we replace them with the next fantasy of happiness.
Happiness can only occur in the moment that you’re in and can only be sustained by developing a nurturing relationship with yourself and, hopefully, others. The ultimate source of happiness lies in the quality of your thoughts. Our thoughts are our most intimate relationship and will impact our lives far more than our relationships with others. In fact, our relations with others are, to an extent, but a reflection of the quality of our own thoughts.
What we seek “out there” is but the icing on the cake. Genuine and sustainable happiness is derived from a healthy and nurturing relationship with yourself. Nothing and no one can take that away from you. Devote your attention to your authentic well being and happiness will emerge.
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I don’t know how much this marks any notable cultural differences between the USA and Europe, but there is unusually little acknowledgement of suffering in these exchanges. I agree with you Mel when you tell us that dreaming of a once and for all future happiness and associating this hope with some achievement, material possession, idealised realationship can become the sort of wishfull thinking that may distract us from the pleasures available to us here and now, but it is also, ironically, this sort of wishful thinking that we use to distract us from the inevitable struggle with the difficult and painful feelings that life inevitably engenders.
Yes, let us try to enjoy the moment as you and others here suggest, but let us also have courage in the face of our own suffering and the suffering of others- this may be the path to the very happiness we all seek!
Hugh. Excellent points. These distractions or fantasies tend to take us away from the struggle of the moment. This serves a purpose to an extent but when taken to the extreme they delude us. And of course the courage you suggest is wise.
Hugh,
Well said.
As I replied to Vishal, you & I are on parallel paths.
Hi Mel
Another great discussion. You are so spot on with what you say about our thoughts . One of the saddest thoughts that has been shared with me is that depression can last a lifetime but happiness is only fleeting. Thoughts like this can set up strong neural connections and thats where I think that showing kindness and compassion can make such a difference.I find if I look for beauty in the moment even in the darkest times that can create a sense of peace. I understand what Hugh says about suffering and was reminded of the evening before my Father died when I held a Lady whose Husband was also dying. When I look back on that moment it brings a soft smile and shines a shy light in the darkness of that sad time. Smiles, love and hugs. Val
Mel, I read “I’ll Be Happy when…” on 2/16, and paraphrased it while talking with a client the next day, giving you credit. He seemed to take it right in.
Mitch D.
Very cool, Mitch..Glad it worked. Where are you from?
I am from New Jersey, working in Middlesex and Monmouth Counties for the last (almost) 3 years, 25 years in Union County before that, with some overlap.
Mitchel @ Mell,
I am in India visiting my aging mother (93) who is doing well.
This same issue came up few minutes ago. It is very much part of our discussion here as well. In fact it is the most ancient discussion around this part of the world.
I was saying how the word IF is the culprit. “I am happy” is seen as a goal. Then “if” is added. Ancient Masters always said that happiness is our core nature. Our suffering starts as soon as we distance it with that word IF.
By all means smell the roses. Why wait for the rose ? Why not look around this very place you are seated and see it like you have never seen before ? Why not listen to a person without any judgement ? Why not eat something like you have never tasted it before ? Why not feel you own heartbeat, breath, body or pain and accept it as it IS ?
There is no teaching past this. Just take a moment to see this moment. It is the moment that stays with us for ever. It is our connection to infinity. It is going no where. We are !
Das
Das, perfectly said!
Das,
Your comment of 16 march: I love it! I am loving it, right now.
Mitch
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