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Entangled People, Entangled Issues

Romantic relationships offer a unique opportunity for our personal growth, although they typically bring some degree of disturbances and challenges. Our interpersonal relations showcase the chronic issues that each individual brings with them as the complexities of their personal life experiences spill over into the relationship.

The tendency to blame each other only results in each person feeling invalidated and therefore upset. When this happens we pull back from the sense of loving oneness that we once felt and begin to see each other as separate individuals. We differentiate issues as his problem or her issue. What began as a loving, connected union begins to dissipate into conflict and the sense of oneness withers into separation.

When we see our partner’s insecurities, defensiveness and challenges as separate and distinct from our own, we become tricked by the illusion of separation. Their issues become our issues. The problems may be different, but they are not separate. Picture a drop of ink as it drips into a beaker of water. The ink disperses throughout and it’s trail becomes indistinct and diffuse. The same thing happens in relationships. Each person’s fears, challenges and unresolved issues become interspersed with their partner’s problems and trigger further reactivity, exacerbating the couple’s problems.

I often hear one person claim, I have no issues but my spouse certainly does. How silly! If you believe the other person has challenges—as we all do—they are sure to affect you, which means you have a problem as well. Trying to compartmentalize yourself as separate from the other person is naive and unachievable.

Picture yourself on a seesaw with your partner. You’re up in the air and of course they must be on the ground. You are inextricably connected, each of you affecting the other. If you need to win, then they must lose. How do you think that’s going to work out? If we move past the transactional attitude that sets up a win-lose, you—versus—me stance into the perspective of one team, we can shift to a win—win, mind—set. You then shift into a participatory relationship.This perspective reveals that you both participate in your reality-making process.

If you find yourself in an adversarial situation with your partner, ask yourself, “Are they intending to hurt or devalue me?” If you feel hurt ask them if that was their intention. If it wasn’t their intention, then you might look at why you’re personalizing their words or actions. This is  not to suggest that you surrender and accept unhealthy behavior. You might say something like. “I just feel unimportant to you when you ignore how I feel or tell me my feelings are wrong. I feel hurt. Do you care how I feel? 

If you’re thinking the worst about the other person and go on the attack, you’ll trigger their worst reaction and you’ll both be sliding into an ugly place. You can choose to try to connect with empathy or to engage in conflict. Choose your path and you’ll get the corresponding result. Each person’s challenges provide an opportunity for the other’s growth. It’s your choice as to how to handle it.

This was excerpted from Mel’s new book, The Possibility Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think,Live and Love.

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Quantum Relationship: Keeping Your Love Connected

quantum-relationship2The experience of falling in love is altogether reminiscent of what in quantum physics is known as entanglement. In the microscopic realm once two particles experience a shared state, they are no longer separate entities but exist as one. This remains true even when they are separated by a great distance. The falling part of the falling in love process requires a falling away of many individual boundaries as the two people merge significant parts of themselves. The coupling moves the two individuals into an entangled sense of oneness.

 

All living beings are energy fields manifesting through their physical form. Mere physical attraction to another is based on sensory stimulation, but being in lust is not quite the same as being in love. Falling in love requires that our energies coalesce with one another. When this occurs, our energy field resonates with our partner’s energy field, and our vibrations harmonize with each other’s, so that two individuals are no longer distinctly separate. This energetic interchange happens simultaneously on physical, emotional, and spiritual levels, and it is what makes falling in love—and staying in love—potentially the most fulfilling experience in life.

 

Over the course of time, however, many people indicate that although they may still love the other, they no longer feel in love. There’s a common belief that as the years pass, falling out of love is natural and to be expected. I’d suggest that it may be ordinary, but that doesn’t make it natural. Falling in love and sustaining it requires maintaining a sense of oneness.

 

In the turmoil we experience when a relationship becomes adversarial, we need to acknowledge or change something to shift the energy away from separation and back toward entangled wholeness. Making that shift may mean changing our beliefs, our perceptions, or our behaviors or possibly all of these. You might ask yourself, “What is my partner seeing in me that I don’t see in myself?”

 

If you set out to reenter the energy field of the initial romantic entanglement or the caring friendship, you can selflessly try to get in the other’s shoes. This is an exercise in empathy. Doing this doesn’t mean you are abandoning your position; it simply means loving and validating your partner. If I try to appreciate and care about my upset partner’s point of view, I’m invoking a shift of energy. Connecting empathetically with our partner is the most powerful thing we can do in such troubled moments. It can turn the tide from a competitive, maybe even emotionally and verbally abusive, exchange back into a loving energy field once again entangled with caring. (If you try this approach consistently and with genuine affection, but your partner doesn’t reciprocate over time, you might well consider whether the relationship is right for you.)

 

Another way of shifting the energy of a relationship is to express positive feelings or appreciation for your partner. Once a couple’s energy has drifted into separatism and conflict, they may default to unloading critical thoughts and feelings with each other. Negativity then fills the divide they have structured. Yet there are times in therapy when individuals may share with me positive or appreciative feelings they experienced about their partner. When I ask, “Did you share that with your partner?” I rarely hear a yes. Why would we become acclimatized to sharing the negative, yet feel awkward or reluctant to express approving or positive feelings? It’s because we’ve gotten stuck in the groove of negativity, which only widens that gap between us. We may be holding back an expression of approval so as not to give the other a stronger hand—a sign that we have set up separate battle stations. So set your intention: when you feel good about the other person, articulate it to him or her.

 

In trying to reset the downward spiral of the relationship cycle, it may be helpful to pause and not be reactive. Take a moment before criticizing or defending and ask yourself, “Does this really matter?” If it doesn’t, you can choose to let it go and create a very different reality. Again, this is an energy shifter.

 

The common expression “You can’t change the other person” appears sensible when a relationship is in turmoil. But from the quantum view of inseparability, if you change some aspect of yourself, it will necessarily affect your partner, because you’re both as connected as our quantum particles.

 

This post was excerpted from Mel’s forthcoming book, The Possibility Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think, Live and Love Sep. 2017 (Sounds True).

 

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Falling In and Out – and Back – in Love

falling in and out of loveThe experience of falling in love is truly a thing of marvel. It’s a remarkable and incomparable feeling. Time seems altered and our senses become fervently alive. Each moment has meaning and intent. This is a peak moment in life. Yet, sadly over time we tend to fall out of love as easily as we fall in love. We may say that we still love one another but we’re not in love. Let’s explore why this occurs and what this phenomenon is that we call love. Read more

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Collapsing The Wave: Creating New Realities

Some of the remarkable discoveries from quantum physics can be adapted to help us break free from the groove of our past and unleash real change in our lives. The quantum world reveals that light has a somewhat schizophrenic nature. It has the dual capacity to exist either as a wave or a particle. This tendency is referred to as the wave/particle duality. This seemingly illogical notion is naturally counterintuitive and rubs against our common sense of logic. Ordinarily, we believe that things either are or are not. This is not the case here, however.

It appears that when the light photon is not being observed it exists in waveform, but at the moment of observation, the wave collapses and becomes a particle. The act of observing actually collapses the wave. Prior to making the observation the wave represents a state of pure potentiality. That potential only becomes manifest into a fixed state when we look at it. I have come to see that a very similar phenomenon occurs in our lives.

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Does Familiarity Breed Contempt?

The expression “familiarity breeds contempt” is all too familiar. Yet, as the case with many common sayings, we might benefit from taking a look at whether or not it truly makes sense. When we don’t examine these beliefs they tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies. Ordinarily, the expression “familiarity breeds contempt” refers to what often happens in long-standing relationships and marriages. Regrettably, over time too may relationships begin to see their happiness wither. Yet, the question remains: is it actually familiarity that causes this disappointment?

We might consider whether it’s familiarity that’s the culprit or whether something else is provoking the contempt. At times, familiarity may in fact pave the way for greater intimacy and love. After all, when the relationship begins and we open to emotional intimacy, we set the stage for falling in love. If a soft kiss, an appreciative hug or the simple feeling of being cared for becomes familiar, then familiarity in fact evokes and sustains love. In loving relationships that embrace emotional support and respect, familiarity produces a wonderful life. What we become accustomed to should become the focus of our attention. Read more

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